i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
