Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
