she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
