omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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