I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
