I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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