please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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