He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
