I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
