I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
