How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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