you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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