My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
