disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
