i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Someone shattered a urinal.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
