Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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