you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
