Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
