1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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