If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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