my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
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You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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