We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
