did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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