I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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