having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
