I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
