My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We're too hungover to prance.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.