Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video