Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower