hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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