Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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