She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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