Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
