end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
