The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
