Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
