When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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