his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My ass is underappreciated
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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