her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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