At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
even my farts smell like vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
