I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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