Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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