tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
