true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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