I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
