I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
