the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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