my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
