I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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