He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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