I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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