I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
