I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
