i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
