My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
