you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
