I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
