i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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